Lately, it feels like the term gaslighting is everywhere. If your partner remembers a fight differently than you do, it’s gaslighting. If they deny saying something the exact way you remember it, they are a gaslighter.
It is completely understandable why we’ve latched onto this term. When you’re trying to explain how much something hurt you, and your partner says, “That’s not what happened,” it feels incredibly lonely. It feels like your reality is being erased, and calling it gaslighting gives a name to that painful, frustrating experience.
But as a therapist, I want to gently pull back the curtain on what is usually happening in these moments.
True gaslighting is a deliberate, cruel tactic. It’s an effort to make someone completely doubt their own sanity, memory, and perception of reality so that the manipulator can control them. It absolutely happens, and it’s deeply damaging. But most of the time in a standard relationship disagreement, it isn’t malicious manipulation. It’s just two human brains doing what human brains do.
Here is the truth about how we function: we don’t record our lives like a video camera. We filter every single conversation through our current mood, our past wounds, how tired we are, and our own insecurities.
Imagine you and your partner are having a stressful conversation. You might hear a sigh from them and think, “They are incredibly annoyed with me.” But your partner might just be genuinely exhausted from a long day at work. Years later, if you bring up that moment, you will remember them being angry, and they will remember just being tired.Neither of you is lying. Neither of you is trying to trick the other. You both experienced the exact same moment in two completely different ways—and both of your experiences are real.
When we throw the label “gaslighting” into a normal disagreement, it instantly changes the room. You stop being a team trying to solve a problem, and you suddenly become a victim and a villain. Your partner stops listening to your pain because they are too busy trying to defend their character against being called a manipulator. The conversation hits a dead end.
Understanding Genuine Gaslighting
True gaslighting involves:
- Intentional Manipulation: Repeatedly making you doubt your memory, perception, or sanity.
- Consistent Behavior: It’s not just a one-time argument; it’s a pattern.
- Denials and Lies: Ignoring facts or twisting situations to make you question yourself.
- Control and Power: The aim is to dominate and make you rely on their version of events.
Why We See Things Differently
Even when two people experience the same moment, they might remember it differently. Here’s why:
- Emotional Filters: Stress, feeling vulnerable, or being tired can change how we interpret words and tone.
- Past Experiences: Old hurts can make us sensitive to certain words or actions.
- Focus and Attention: We notice different details—words, expressions, or pauses.
- Personal Interpretation: Our values and upbringing shape how we understand things.
- Memory Imperfections: Our minds often change details over time without us realizing it.
Most memory differences in relationships are due to these natural variations, not manipulation.
Other Reasons for Misunderstandings
- Communication Gaps: What we say and what we hear can differ.
- Defensiveness: Feeling blamed can change how we remember things.
- Misreading Tone: We often assume the wrong intentions.
- Different Core Values: Our beliefs influence how we see fairness and intent.
- Stress and Fatigue: Mental strain affects focus and memory for everyone.
The Harm of Overusing “Gaslighting”
Calling every memory difference gaslighting can:
- Downplay Real Abuse: It minimizes the seriousness of genuine manipulation.
- Put Your Partner on the Defensive: It shifts focus from understanding to arguing about labels.
- Hinder Emotional Connection: It blocks true understanding and empathy.
- Create Resentment: False accusations can lead to bitterness.
Healthier Ways to Handle Disagreements
- Validate Feelings: Recognize hurt feelings, even if memories differ.
- Seek Understanding: Ask your partner to share their perspective.
- Listen Actively: Focus on understanding before you respond.
- Use “I” Statements: Express your feelings without blaming.
- Acknowledge Impact: Even unintentional actions can be hurtful.
- Assume Good Intent: Start with the idea of honest differences.
- Prioritize Connection: Understanding is more important than being right.
- Agree to Disagree: Different memories don’t have to end a relationship.
Strengthening Relationships
Gaslighting is real and harmful, but not every disagreement is abuse. By approaching with genuine curiosity, vulnerability, and empathy, rather than jumping to accusations, couples can handle memory differences and miscommunications more effectively. Focusing on understanding each other, rather than labeling, is how strong, resilient relationships thrive.
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